I am Gillian.
I am 21 years old.
I don’t think that my age should matter, because no one in my life views me as that age.
I am quite tall, but if I wore heels instead of vans I might become a giant.
I just recently started wearing red lipstick, I think it makes me more aware that I do have feminine quality’s.
There are two other feminine quality's that I can’t seem to get rid of. They rest on my chest, and they are hell.
Almost everybody notices them, and around half of those people comment on them.
It is why for the past 4 years I have been contemplating a reduction.
I don't think I could ever part with my hellish lumps of flesh, nerves and glands though.
I hate the parts of my life that some people envy.
Some of those parts are body parts.
Other parts include my ability to be alone.
I sometimes feel lonesome when people are around, but never lonesome when I'm by my self.
Other times I need to be around a large group of people and can't stand to be alone.
These two times always seem to collide.
I don't tend to have very long relationships with friends for one reason or another,
But I always have meaningful, very close bonded relationships.
I find that I can become close with someone very quickly because people seem to trust me.
I have met a great deal of people in my life time, and they all told me so much.
These life stories are ones that I will never tell though.
For I do not tell things told to me in confidence.
I love film, films, tv shows, and almost everything to do with the entertainment.
It is what I want to do with my life.
One of my dream jobs is to have Kevin Smiths Career.
Kevin Smith is my hero, and he writes, directs and edits all of his films.
It's fairly rare for someone to have a career where they can have their hands in
All of the cookie jars, but not get caught or get their cookie jars taken away.
I think I can do that, and I have made it my entire life to do so.
My other love in life is food.
Not just any food though.
I love cheese, red meat and potatoes.
I love frozen dinners.
I love pancakes and crapes.
I love soufflés, and I am getting better at making them.
I love baking.
I love cooking.
Most of all, I love eating.
I have very high standards for a lot of food, but I end up eating a lot of junk as well.
For most people like my self who love to eat and cook and bake, this wouldn’t be a problem.
I on the other hand am at a high risk for Diabetes.
That makes food my friend and my foe.
My fuel source and my grave digger.
I like driving, but I don't drive all that often.
I have an addiction.
I know some people may say that the word addiction is too strong to call what I have,
But I know that it's at the least a large problem.
That problem is buying DVD's.
I will spend upwards of 300 dollars in a month buying DVD's.
I will buy mostly TV seasons.
I own DVD's that I know I will never unwrap, never watch, but never want to throw out.
I suppose this is better than having an addiction to drugs, but I would still rather not have the impulse every time I go by store that sells DVD's to go buy one.
Even if I hate the film.
I love walking into my clean, open, empty apartment,
The only trouble is that I hate cleaning.
I love taking baths and will rarely take showers,
But I feel as though I'm sitting in my own filth.
It doesn't help that my hair falls out at the rate of a cancer patients post-chemo.
I don't want my outward appearance to mean so much to me but I know deep down it does.
Some days I want nothing more than to be accepted.
Other days I want nothing more to be ignored.
I get sick often.
Some times it is as simple as a cough, other times it’s a little more permanent.
This can include breaking of bones, ligaments, and even prolonged sickness.
I wish I could be healthy 100% of the time, but I can't.
My immune system never has enough time to recover,
So the inevitable happens.
Over and over and over and over.
I want to be in a loving, caring relationship.
For a long time I had given up hope that anyone would like me in that way.
Then I met someone.
He is amazing, talented, smart, caring and kind.
I hope it works but that is something only time will tell.
My name is Gillian, and this is 2009.
I guess this is one of the days that i'm glad no one reads this.